My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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