Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
