none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
