My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
