the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
organizing the empties. That sober.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
