On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
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