This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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