Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
