If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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