I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
