you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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