I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
