i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize