so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
