they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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