The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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