I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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