The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My dick has a subreddit
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
