1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
After last night, I could never be a politician.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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