She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
