Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
