you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This is classic penis vs brain.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
