Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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