He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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