im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize