if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize