Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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