Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
