so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I believe in your delicious
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