there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
