I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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