You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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