i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
