There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
