I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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