I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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