so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
