can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
