On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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