Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
