He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
