I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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