i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
