If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
