I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
