Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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