Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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