Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
