I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
