so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
