Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
