Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
