Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
