The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
