i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
