so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
