I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
