he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
