do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
