My room smells like vodka and shame
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
