i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The air was thick with penises
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
