What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
