I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
