I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
