just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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