perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
