she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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